Why do we blame sistahs in pain?

[Marilynn Griffith]

So a woman decides to finally tell a friend that she's being beaten or that she's broken or that she's less than the super Christian people think she is. Something bad has happened (or is happening). Before the sistah can finish, the other woman is trying to figure out what the woman did WRONG or why it is her FAULT. With a swift tongue and a few scriptures, she dissects the problem (and the woman) and goes away feeling good. The woman never shows her scars to anyone for a very long time, maybe until it's too late.

How can we do better about speaking the truth in love? Are there times when we shouldn't speak so much or maybe at all? How do we learn to really listen? What does it feel like when somebody really hears you, even if they don't agree? Sound off below!

[Virginia Garrett]

I think we all have a need to have all the answers and we think we have to spew them forth whether appropriate at the time or not.

Someone said, "Love without truth is wishy-washy and truth with out love is torture". Speaking truth in love is of utmost importance, but that does not mean we need to constantly open our mouth and spew it out. Sometimes the best way to speak the truth in love is not to speak at all.

I do not think we listen well at all. We are too focused on how we are going to respond and formulating that response we can't listen. I believe sometimes the best thing someone can do is just listen without saying a word. Just being heard, even if no one has any answers, is enough. But for the most part humans have a "fix it" mentality. We have to fix and fix it quick so we can move on to someone/thing else.

I have encountered people who give answers because of a deep seated need in them to be better than someone else. If we are able to rush an answer and a fix, we're better because we aren't in their situation. It can be a pride issue.

[Jeanette Hill]

Sometimes I think that the problem is we are afraid of showing our own scars because of guilt, shame or because of what others may think of us. After years of showing our 'church face' acknowledging that we understand or have even experienced what the other woman is going through can be threatening. Learning to listen with our hearts instead of our ears will help also help in knowing what, how and if to say anything.

[Sherrie]

5 simple truths I have learned about listening to a person's revelation of problems, and pain

1. Never to judge until you have traveled a "GREEN MILE" in their shoes.
2. Remember what you have been through and are too shame to reveal.
3. Do not use a false badge of honor because no one knows your real shame and pain,
4. Get off the proverbial high horse with a "I would never put up with that attitude" (more than likely you have put up with worse)
5. Listen, really listen. Most people are looking to bare their soul without fear of judgment, not for advice.

[Marilynn Griffith]

Great comments, ladies. Lots for us to think about, pray about and put into practice. Keep it coming!

[Chanisha Rashaan Wilson]

I agree with everything that has been said about listening. I think another reason we have a particularly difficult time listening when someone is in pain is because at times we all like to "Play God" and forget that we are not omnipotent. Sometimes we just don't have the power to fix things that are broken in other people's lives as much as we would like to do that. We are also not always able to see that perhaps the breaking is God's doing and not necessarily a result of consequences or overt sin. God is constantly working on us like clay and when the pot or vessel is not shaping up the way He sees best, He has to smash the clay down onto the wheel and start again. That process is painful and if we put on our band-aid of quick scripture fixes it's like putting our hand in between the Potter's Hand and the Clay. We often times get in the way of the work that God is doing in someone's life because we don't think that love should be painful or difficult. Life and Death is in the power of the tongue and we must use that weapon with all care. Too many wounded. Too much friendly fire. I think most of all listening should also be about being in tune with the Spirit of God. Spiritual things are spiritually discerned and if it is a spiritual problem then you know that the answer is going to come from the Spirit of God Himself. We must allow God to show us if there is something we need to say and if we are really honest, God is not asking us to speak as often as we would hope to be used (Ow-eeeeeee!). Oftentimes, when He is using us, we don't even realize what we said was helpful or what was needed until long after. The best thing we can do is be alert to and listening to God's Spirit first and not our own feelings. For those of us wondering if there are times when we shouldn't speak, Ecclesiastes says there is a time to speak and a time to be silent. There is a time for everything under heaven. Wisdom is knowing the difference.

[Sharon Douglass-Green]

I totally agree,I have sat with sistahs and just listened, nodding my head and saying yes I understand. And that was ALL I did. No solutions, no, if I could or you should. JUST LISTENED and PRAYED! Days later they havre called and Thank ed me just for listening- then I said but I didn't do anything - but I did. I listened. Thank God for the decernment to know when to keep my BIG mouth closed.

As you said - sometimes we just need a ear, to dump the heavy load off our shoulders. Thank you for sharing.

[Rhonda McKnight]

A prayerful sistah won't speak out of turn. I know we don't all have the gift of discernment, but we do all have the Holy Spirit. I think we have to learn to see our sistahs as God sees them, beautiful and perfect and full of purpose and promise and then our hearts and mouths will be kindler and more gentle.

[Tonya]

I agree Rhonda.